Today has been a long, exhausting day. I've been up since 4am, went to work and school, and came home to a foul husband and a messy house.

Needless to say, I didn't do a very good job on controlling my eating, and I didn't exercise at all. But I did get a very nice supprise.......When I went to check my blood sugar this evening before dinner, it was 109! That is the lowest reading I've had in at least 3 years! Looks like I might be doing something right after all.

Tomorrow we leave for a long weekend at my in laws. 4 days out in the middle of nowhere on their farm with nothing to do but veg out in the garden, catch up on sleep, and spend quality time on the deck with the cat, dog and family. Tuff 2 take....but I think I can handle it. I gotta go pack....

Hope all of you out in the stream have an enjoyable and safe holiday weekend! See ya in September!!

My first week didn't go as well as I had hoped, but it was an improvement. I did what I could as far as controlling my eating, and exercising. I ate more salads and vegetables last week than I have in the past month, and I exercised 4 times in 7 days. That's not a bad start as far as I'm concerned.

Last week was also my first full week of classes, and I'm glad to be back in school. I am the oldest person in two of my classes (which I think is funny as hell). I have some really great professors this semester, and being back in another English Comp class has gotten my creative juices flowing again. I have set a goal for myself to achieve and maintain (at least) a 3.5 GPA this semester. So we will see how my "old" brain holds up.

I will keep on chipping away at things. One step at a time will get me to my goals. I read a quote today by Oliver Wendell Holmes that seemed appropriate for where I am:

"...the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving."

I hope that forward momentum is both contagious and habit forming.

Well my second day didn't go so well. One thing I know for sure...the busier I stay, the more likely I am to stick with my plan. Today I didn't have to work or go to classes, and I spent most of the day at home, doing nothing and grazing.....works if your a cow, but not for loosing weight (for me anyway).

I'm trying not to beat myself up about it, but at the same time I'm irritated as hell that it only took me one day to fall off track. At least I didn't drink any soda today (and haven't in two days).

I watched Dr. Phil today and saw the repeat episode about new years resolutions to loose weight. They had a woman on there who had lost over 160 pounds and had a lot of loose extra skin. She hated how she looked, and even wanted to gain back some of the weight to "fill out" some of the skin so she wouldn't look so bad. I think on some levels that is one of the things I fear about loosing weight: that I will be disappointed if I don't come out looking like I want after all the hard work, and end up looking like one of those Sharpae puppies...the look works for them though (too cute!)

Oh well Scarlett....tomorrow is another day.

Better late than never they always say. Today has been a full day...and it's not even time for dinner!

Since today was my first day back to school, I decided that it was also the right time to try and start getting my shit together. I spent the last month planning how I was going to get a grip on my life, (my weight/health, personal finances and the like), where I wanted to be in 6 months, a year, 5 years etc, and wrote out on paper a plan of action. Today was the first day of putting the plan into action....

I got up at 4am with my husband, worked out for 30 minutes, did a little housework, took my diabetes meds, checked my blood sugar, and ate a decent breakfast before going to work. After work, I ate a small chef salad for lunch, and went to school. When I got home, my husband and I went out and walked 2 miles, and now I'm getting ready for dinner. I feel pretty good, but I know after dinner I'll be ready to drop!

Today was the easy day.....now it's just a matter of not loosing momentum, and reminding myself every day why I need to do this...and why I want it so badly.

Well, it's been quite a while since I posted anything. And, it may sound weird, but I think the reason for that is that until tonight, the Paxil had surpressed my want to write. (Bear with me here, because I am very tired and may start to ramble on).

I think that before I started taking the Paxil, my anxiety is what motivated me to write and vent my feelings and fears. And since I started taking it, I have been in a blank state of mind. Until yesterday, I literally have been just going through the motions of every day life. Things have been very calm for the most part.

But yesterday, I had one of my, what I call, brain dead days. I literally did nothing but eat, sleep, watch tv and lay around. That wouldn't have been such a bad thing if it wasn't for all of the things that needed to be done. But instead of doing what I needed to, I spent the day bindging on crap, not taking my meds, and nearly made myself sick.

Now here I sit, in the dark (because I can't sleep) having a panic attack because I'm so mad at myself for reverting back to my same old bad habits. I swear I think I'm on a path of self destruction. I have become so mindless in reguards to what I eat and how I treat myself that I wonder if on some level, I'm not trying to kill myself.

Truth be told, I am scared shitless of dying. I don't want to end up a statistic. I don't want to leave this earth knowing that there are so many things I haven't yet done. I don't want to make my husband a widowed man at the age of 40. I don't want the boys to be put through the hell of loosing another step parent. I don't want my Mother to feel heartbroken and alone. And I sure as hell don't want to be remembered as the pathetic fat woman who couldn't get her shit together, and ate herself to death........But right now, that's where I feel like I'm headed.

As much as being fat is a physical prison, it is a mental one as well. When you feel out of control, and are totally consumed by your personal demons, you feel completly alone.....even when you know that you can't possibly be the only person in the world feeling this way.

I asked the following question on Yahoo Answers a couple of weeks ago:

"What is the first thing you think of when you see an extremely fat person?"

I got nearly twenty answers, ranging from "poor fatty" to "they eat a lot" to "When did they stop liking themselves". Some people said they just look away. But the best answer given by far, came from a guy named Austin who wrote, "I think about how our society has trapped fat people. If size didn't matter, fat people would be hanging out more, doing things without people staring at them, and they would probably loose weight and get in shape. But in that society it wouldn't matter because fat people would be just as happy as skinny ones. We have to learn how to love people for who they are, not just how they look."

I think the world wold be a much better place if more people thought that way.

But the reality is that some of us don't have the option of loosing weight just for vanities sake. I used to have that option, back before I learned I was diabetic. Now it really is coming down to a matter of life and death. I can feel myself sliding down that slippery slope towards the point of no return. Part of me is wanting to back peddle away from the edge as fast as I can. The other part wants to say "okay, I give up! Ya got me!" and jump....

How do you save a person who doesn't feel like they can save themselves?